


Really Big Homicidal Cat

by Deifire



Series: Eerie Advent Calendar Challenge [10]
Category: Ancient Egyptian Religion, Eerie Indiana
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Simon Has a Policy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5391299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deifire/pseuds/Deifire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Simon's worst first date yet forces him to get Dash involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Really Big Homicidal Cat

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Eerie Advent Calendar fic challenge.
> 
> Prompt: pathologically mythological.

_Dash X’s Apartment_  
_Seven Years Later_

As Simon tucked Dash’s stained sofa pillow under his now very inebriated date’s head, he reflected that he’d now found a new way date night could go horribly wrong.

Behind him, Dash was ranting. “How could you not know?!” he asked.

“It didn’t come up in the conversation!” said Simon.

“It didn’t come up in the…?” Dash began.

“She said her name was LeAnn and she was from Memphis,” Simon started to explain.

Below him, the now barely conscious girl—well, not quite a girl, as it turned out—giggled and rolled over on the sofa, dislodging the tattered blanket Simon was trying to spread over her.

“’S true,” she said. “Well, mostly.”

“I didn’t realize she meant _that_ Memphis,” Simon finished, retrieving the blanket from the floor. “What was I supposed to do, ask ‘Oh, by the way, are you secretly an ancient Egyptian deity in disguise?’”

“Yes! Followed by, ‘And as long as we’re on the subject, are you planning on turning into a giant lion at any point tonight, and going on a world-ending rampage starting with downtown Eerie?’”

Which was pretty much exactly what had happened. Fortunately, Simon had read enough mythology to know this particular goddess’s weakness, and had a friend with experience with weirdness and an ID that said he was old enough to buy alcohol. Which was how Dash had entered the picture.

“That’s really not something you just ask people on a first date,” he said after a long pause.

“Maybe it’s something _you_ should start asking people. Look, you’re only sixteen, and so far, your love life has included one succubus, one siren, a girl you can’t be sure wasn’t really a robot…and now this. I swear, you’re a bigger weirdness magnet than Teller.”

“I don’t know. Look who he ended up with,” Simon shot back.

Dash looked surprised at first, then gave a slow nod of respect.

“Did you ever find out what pissed her off so much?” he asked Simon.

“ _Chissssel_ ,” the goddess on the sofa hissed. Yep, it had started with them passing Mayor Chisel on the street on the way to the World O’ Stuff. Simon, who was insanely curious as to what exactly the mayor of Eerie had done to draw the wrath of the Eye of Ra, was also wise enough to know that failing to press the subject was probably the best way to keep his date in human size and shape for now.

“Anyway, thanks for helping out tonight,” he said to Dash.

“You owe me,” Dash said. “Big time. Do you know how much enough Jägermeister to get a god drunk even costs?”

“If you ever paid your bar tabs, I promise I’d feel really guilty about that,” Simon replied.

“And I’m still not sure I’m okay with the part about letting her sleep it off here.”

“We couldn’t just leave her alone like this,” said Simon.

“She is a goddess. Who sometimes turns into a really big homicidal cat. She would have been fine,” said Dash.

“Well, I can’t take her home…I mean, my parents…I suppose there’s always Marshall’s…” Simon began.

Dash considered. “All Marilyn and Edgar are going to see is a very intoxicated teenage girl,” he said, and sighed. “Okay, fine. But if the apocalypse starts in my living room, I’m not cleaning it up.”

“Speaking of Marshall, can we maybe not tell him about this?” Simon asked.

“Why not?”

“You know he’s just going to get worried and start threatening to come home again…” Simon knew it was the wrong thing to say almost as soon as the words left his mouth, but by then it was too late to take it back.

“Sorry,” said Dash. “Can’t do it. A policy of open communication and not keeping secrets from each other is one of the keys to a successful long-term relationship. Your words, Holmes.”

“You know, I think I miss the days when you ignored my advice and didn’t care so much that you kept breaking up with Marshall every other week.”

“Too bad,” said Dash.

The goddess made a noise that was halfway between a snort and a giggle. “Mortals are hilarious,” she said when they turned to look at her.

“If I get eaten by a giant lion tonight, I am so blaming you,” said Dash to Simon.

The goddess giggle-snorted again. “’S’okay,” she said. “I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s boring once the screaming stops. I want,” she said as she stood up. “To go dancing. And then get tacos.”

She spoke the words like a royal command, and for a moment it was as if the mask of mortality slipped just a little, and Simon simultaneously saw both her human form and the true form underneath it, both dark and beautiful, one awe-inspiring and terrible.

And then the goddess Sekhmet swayed, stumbled, and collapsed in Simon’s arms, dead asleep by the time he caught her.

She was snoring gently as he tucked her in for the third time.

“Well, it’s been weird, but I’m going to bed,” said Dash. He stalked off down the hall towards his bedroom.

Simon sighed and curled up in Dash’s old, duct-taped recliner. He mentally added a policy about finding out first if people were deities and another about finding out if they were part-time giant cats to his ever-growing list of dating-related policies. He already had one against dating married people that he thought he may have technically violated tonight, though he wasn’t sure how that worked with gods. 

He was considering also adding a policy against dating older women, or at least centuries-older women, as he fell asleep.

When he woke up, Dash’s sofa was empty, and the blanket was tucked around him.

He indulged for a second in the happy thought that maybe it had all been a dream, until Dash walked into the living room, handed him the cordless phone, and said, “Teller wants to yell at you.”

Simon sighed.


End file.
